Imperfect Endings by Zoe Fitzgerald Carter

We have all, at one stage or another, experienced the death of a close relative. It is an extremely difficult time as one must face the prospect of life without that person; he or she who had occupied such a treasured position in our lives. It is a time for reflection and for celebration of time spent together. When the person in question is a parent, however, it can also be a time to face difficult truths.

Imperfect Endings, a memoir by Zoe Fitzgerald Carter (Simon & Schuster, $15), addresses this subject and documents her mother’s final days, but this an unusual tale of loss — her mother wishes to end her life by her own hand. Having lived with Parkinson’s disease for more than 20 years, Carter’s mother, Margaret, decides that she would rather meet her end on her own terms than endure a long and painful decline.

The distinction between death and dying is important and worth exploring. Death, by definition, is final and allows those surrounding the departed to deal with their grief and move on. However, the process of dying is where the real pain, physical and emotional, lies. Carter expertly examines this turmoil and all its accompanying angst, frustration, resentment and introspection.

She recounts what was obviously a terribly difficult time with brutal honesty and is candid about the mix of emotions she experienced. At once she admired her mother for her defiant spirit — the choice of suicide over suffering is in keeping with her ‘style’ — but was also angered by her nonchalance. Her mother made her terminal plans with insouciance, at times it seemed with as much care as arranging a lunch date.

There is something about the depth and breadth of the analysis that sets this book apart from others in the same genre. I am convinced this is due to the writer being female. A woman is able to divide mental and emotional states much easier than a man: Indulgence of anger and frustration do not supersede the need to address of the practicalities of the situation. One can’t help but feel if this were a man writing, the story would be less well-balanced.

The psychologist Havelock Ellis once wrote that “Pain and death are a part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself”, and Imperfect Endings underscores this notion, that we as humans, in order to truly understand and appreciate existence, must with strength and openness face the worst that life has to offer, in order to learn the value of the best.

Imperfect Endings will be on bookshelves March 8th. Pre-order now at Simon&Schuster.com.