The new fall TV season is upon us, which means it’s time to place bets on which new shows will be hits and which will be time-wasters.Â While this list could be much shorter by simply saying “anything on CBS” or “anything involving cops/doctors/lawyers,” here’s a more detailed break down of 10 new shows that I will not be watching.
10. Mike and Molly, CBS
Mike and Molly shows promise by casting two overweight leads, but instead of using them to break stereotypes or protest against Hollywood norms, the preview has the fat guy channeling Chris Farley and falling through a table.Â You know, because fat people falling is funny!Â But, this is a CBS comedy, which means regardless of the quality, millions will watch.
9. Detroit 187, ABC
Michael Imperioli already had a chance at a post-Christopher Moltasanti career with the canceled time traveling cop show Life on Mars.Â This formulaic cop drama will probably meet a similar fate.
8. Raising Hope, Fox
Shows with puns for titles not called Arrested Development never work.Â Shows with characters with puns for names never work (main character’s name – Jimmy Chance).Â Also, given that the plot looks like Juno with a dumb boy instead of a smart girl, originality won’t save it. It’s from Greg Garcia, who made My Name is Earl, a show with 2 great seasons before becoming tired and gimmicky, so perhaps he learned his lesson, but I won’t invest the time to find out.
7. $#*! My Dad Says, CBS
TV’s first Twitter-based comedy cannot possibly capture the vulgar brilliance of its source.Â William Shatner will ham it up, as usual, but the show is based on a profanity-filled Twitter account and the title has punctuation in it.Â If it were on HBO or FX, it might work, but not on network TV; but again, since it’s on CBS, it can be pure garbage and will kill in the ratings.
6. Outlaw, NBC
Jimmy Smits already tried and failed to headline a generic law drama.Â He showed how brilliant he can be in the third season of Dexter, but his talent will again go to waste here.
5. No Ordinary Family, ABC
I liked it when it was called The Incredibles.
4. Secret Millionaire, ABC
Building on the success of Undercover Boss, ABC is airing a show that already aired on Fox 2 years ago (and in its original format in the U.K.).Â The show has the same basic premise, where the filthy rich get to show how great they are by pretending to be normal and then giving what amounts to chump change to some poor schlub with a heart of gold, showing that you don’t have to be rich to be a good person, but the rich are really better people because they are caring AND rich.
3. The Defenders, CBS
Lawyer show on CBS.Â See previous entries.
2. Outsourced, NBC
There’s no chance this show is not offensive.Â Someone at NBC (possibly the same person who thought Leno would work in prime time) saw Slumdog Millionaire and thought it would be great to make it into a comedy, only instead of having Indian characters overcome stereotypes with emotionally compelling drama, cute Indian people will enforce stereotypes with one-liners.Â I’m sure the show will go out of its way to show its characters are not stereotypes, but it will probably have the same effect I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry had on gay rights issues.Â Chuck and Larry made one anal sex joke after another then tried to preach about equality and acceptance.Â If Outsourced wants to make a statement about American perceptions of Indians, setting the show in the one environment uneducated Americans associate Indians was not a good start.
1. Hawaii Five-O, CBS
Only one remake has ever been superior to the original – Syfy’s brilliant Battlestar Galactica.Â Since the original Hawaii Five-O wasn’t very good, this remake doesn’t have the best odds for success.Â That still didn’t stop CBS from taking one of the many beautiful actresses from Battlestar Galactica to try to recapture that remake magic. They even added Daniel Dae Kim to intrigue Lost fans and Scott Caan for the three people who don’t hate him after the last season of Entourage.Â While I’ll root for Boomer and Jin based on my love of their previous work, this show needs to fail.Â Hollywood (CBS in particular) shows how intelligent it finds the American TV audience by continuing to withhold new, original content in favor of recycled programming with built-in expectations and understanding.Â If we keep watching crap, they’ll keep airing crap.
Note – I do not hate everything on CBS.Â The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is brilliant.